Pretty sure this won’t affect my life in any way, due to the fact that it aired almost a week ago and not a single person has mentioned to me that they saw it.

Nevertheless, the war is on Lopez.

After what I will pretend were YEARS of interest in the comedy show producing business, I am finally chucking my arm back and throwing my hat into the proverbial pot that is the lower east side comedy gambit. My first creation:

Our first show is September 8th and will feature Andy Hendrickson, Dan Hirshon, Joe Rocha, Selena Coppick and more!

Come on by! It’ll be fun, I hope!

-Adam

Image ironically and unintentionally stolen from CarParts.com

August 6th -

I had the fortune of spending time in my old stomping grounds of Los Angeles the last few weeks and while I was out there, I got to spend time hanging out at my girlfriends parents house. It was lovely meeting her parents and while I was there when I noticed that she and my dad have something in common. Other than their mutual adoration of popcorn, white knee socks and The Simpsons (the verdict is still out on if he finds Beavis & Butthead to be as intellectually stimulating as my dad does), both her father and my dad LOVE listening to talk radio in the car.

This, in and of itself, is fine. There is nothing wrong with that. Nothing. I have myself found enjoyment listening to sports talk on my early morning drives of yesteryear opening up the Pioneer Square Starbucks at 4:14am. Talk radio is great! I even did it (nationally award-winningly well) for awhile.

My dad has enjoyed the daily practice of listening to the ramblers for sometime. On his drives to work, coming home, whenever. It is not the talk radio that is the problem. Its the technique that he employs.

Sometimes he’ll be listening to a program (perhaps a Dave Ross or Dory Monson or “The Bible Answer Man”) and by the time he gets home, the story or interview he is enjoying, won’t yet be over. So does he call it a day? Does he pack it up and come inside to join on in with the rest of humanity?

Nope. He will just sit in his car - by himself - until the story over.

Which can, has and will continue to, lead to confusion.

I don’t think that it would be considered unusual to start worrying about your dad’s mental health when, as a young teenage boy you go into the backyard, only to hear the rhythmic humming sound of your dad’s car, quietly idling in the garage. Many thoughts race through your mind. Perhaps the most prevalent: “I hope mom dropped off that life insurance check I saw on the counter last week…,” quickly chased off by “We’re going to be in the newspaper tomorrow!”

And, as I know now, of course, my dad wasn’t ever (?) trying to kill himself when he would sit by himself in his dark, tool-covered garage. He was just listening to the radio. Minding his business. But it lead me to think: what an unfortunate way to accidentally go out. You just got home. Had a nice drive. Little to no traffic. Sun is shining. All is right with the world. “Say, that caller had some good points about switching up the Mariners line-up. Lets hear what The Groz has to say about this one out.” And then, gone.

People would wonder. “Were there any warning signs?” “He always seemed so happy.”

But that would have been the end. Father. Son. Brother. Dead. Not on purpose, but done with, all the same. Taking his last deep breath of carbon monoxide-filled air, right in tune with his constant afternoon drive-time companion Paul Harvey, as Harvey played as the soundtrack to his passing by laying down the final words to his existence in a manner earilly almost too fitting.

As that really would have been, the rest of the story.

Hmmm. THIS would have been a good show for your L.A.’ers to come out and see me at. Zach, Kroll, Kindler, The Sklars, Charlene, Swardson, Small, Brody Stevens, Aukerman. A truly amazing collection of talent, all on one show. And they even let ME do 20 minutes! What a great time. Awww memories…

Anyway, that was that. I’m back in New York now. Got a busy August. Keep your eyes on the Tour page for event info.

-A.C.

Every time I walk into a room and smell a scented candle I think “here in lies a farter.”

So I grew up in the church. After college, I got a job working with kids in a church youth group. It was a fun job because I was in charge of planning activities for the kids, based on the lesson that week. So for the story of Garden of Eden, I’d take them to a nursery or forest, or for Noah and the Flood, we’d go to a water park or zoo. Or the week we were studying Numbers… well…we’d usually just skip forward to Deuteronomy that week.

Seriously, the Book of Numbers is SOOO boring, it makes Leviticus look like 2nd Thessalonians. Hey Council of Nicaea, I think ya missed one! If a book was ever tailor-made for the Apocrypha, its Numbers.

The church we went to in Seattle did weekly public prayer requests. Which is a good idea in theory, but didn’t really work out that great when executed. Like one week a man stood up and asked for prayer for his mom that just got diagnosed with colon cancer. And that’s pretty serious business. I think everyone respects that. But then a woman stood up next and asked for prayers for her daughter who was getting her braces put on on Tuesday and was pretty nervous about it. Hey honey, we sympathize with your daughter, but you’re following COLON CANCER! Concede the floor!

I was actually reading the New Testament the other day, or as it was originally pitched, Torah: 2, and in the story where Jesus resurrects Lazarus, they cover a great many areas of the miracle, but one aspect they really just skip over is that Lazarus later went onto die. Again. Apperently “Jesus-proof” this time. Which had to be uncomfortable, and most likely a little bit annoying for Lazarus. “Hey Jesus, thanks for bringing me back to life…JUST in time to catch this crippling strain of cholera. You know they say the worst feeling someone can experience is dying? I’d argue drying twice must rank up there. I kinda expected this to be more of a ‘bottomless’ resurrection.

Not a lot of people realize that the Bible didn’t come together nearly as flawlessly as it might seem. In fact, Luke had originally planned to release the follow-up to his self-titled debut as a solo effort, but quickly realized his sales were going to be hurt by the churches new decree that “Acts won’t get you into Heaven.”

You know, after Sodom & Gomorrah, I bet it was pretty difficult to criticize any of Lot’s dinner parties. “Poor hospitality?!? You want to discuss poor hospitality?!?!?”

Hey guys!

After starting out at the club in May of 2008 by sneaking my way in as a doorman, then after quitting the comforts of working there in August of 2009 to concentrate full-time on stand up and the 20 total months of sitting in the lobby for over four hours a night waiting to get my 5 minutes of stage time, I can now boast that I have officially PASSED to become a regular member of the Comic Strip Live! roster! Being approved to work at the Comic Strip means the world to me. It is the club where I first discovered what it meant to be a real comedian, the first club that allowed me to figure out what I wanted to be and what I was interested in saying on stage and the first place that I could really call home. I have slept at the Strip, eaten countless meals at the Strip, seen the sun come up at the Strip and now I can proudly say, I truly, 100% belong there.

I am elated by this early career milestone.  Thank you to everyone for your support. I appreciate it greatly.

-A.C.

Got a cool bunch of gigs to promote to ya!

I’ll be hosting five shows over three nights at Comix NY Comedy Club in New York City from Thursday, June 17th through Saturday, June 19th.

Headlining will be Christian Finnegan (co-star of TBS’s new hit sitcom Are We There Yet?, VH1’s Best Week Ever, Comedy Central’s Chappelle’s Show, MSNBC’s Countdown with Keith Olbermann, Comedy Central Presents: Christian Finnegan, his own one hour special: Au Contraire“) and featuring will be Victor Varnado (NBC’s Late Night with Conan O’Brien, Comedy Central’s Awkward Kings of Comedy.

They are going to be really awesome shows and great opportunities to catch me working in the city (if you are interested in that kinda thing).  Christian is one of my favorite comics to watch in the city and I look forward to being a part of his weekend.

Get tickets to any of the 5 shows here. 

For information on all upcoming shows, be sure to keep an eye on my (surprisingly updated) schedule!

I learned something about myself last week.

I was listening to my favorite weekly podcast, Comedy and Everything Else and the hosts Jimmy Dore and Stef were breaking down Jay Leno’s jokes at the recent White House correspondent’s dinner.

They displayed Jay doing a funny joke and then once a few people began to laugh, he barreled over it with little lines and ab-libs “Yeah, ain’t that a shames?” and the likes. This chatter stopped the laughter and it appeared that the joke he just told bombed. It didn’t bomb. But he just kept talking, stepped on the joke and it appeared that he did. The audience liked his joke, thought it was funny, began laughing but then were led to believe that there would be more joke about to come, so they paused to hear it.

But there was no more joke. Jay ruined his own joke due to over-talking.

This is typical of Jay’s delivery style, but I had never witnessed it fall flat because whenever I’ve seen him perform jokes, its on the monologue of The Tonight Show. And as Jimmy Dore so cleverly pointed out, as the corespondents dinner, there was no red flashing “APPLAUSE” sign encouraging the room to keep laughing despite his rolling over the joke.

In all my early formative years of watching The Tonight Show, I had never factored in the applause sign into how his jokes lived or died. I wasn’t naive, I knew it was there and how it was used, but I forgot how large a role it played in affecting (and long-term, hurting) his delivery.

It has hurt mine as well.

While I have enjoyed watching many comics perform stand up from a young age, Leno’s opening Tonight Show monologue definitely had the most influence. While he was never the comedy idol to me as he was to my peers, watching his joke telling style prior to going to bed in my early teen years stuck with me. Thanks to Jay and the unending crowd support generated by the in-studio applause sign, I started stepping on my jokes too! I watched Jay, saw him tell jokes, saw him step on them and continue to get laughs, so I in-turn learned that it was OK to step on laughs and ramble onward. And shockingly, it hasn’t worked as well!

I’ve looked back at my many of my sets sets and found that I do this ALL the time. I am constantly throwing it Leno-esque “a real shame’s” and “Yeah, no one wants to hear that” quips that I always felt were normal and helped the jokes, but they don’t! They hurt the joke and the structure that I have worked so hard on getting right! I’ve been stepping on my own laughs.

And yes, I DO blame Leno. Perhaps I shouldn’t, but I do. It’s like having a teacher who taught you how to do what you’ve always dreamed, but he taught you wrong.

But I thank him for doing the correspondents dinner, if for no other reason, so that I could hear him deliver his jokes, minus the flashing laugh light of laughter. Its going to make me a much better comic.

After the Olympics, Canada put an ad out and at the end they featured Michael J. Fox. And I don’t think that’s a good idea. I mean, we all love Marty McFly, but as a country, do you really want to associate yourself with a guy who mysteriously contracted a degenerative nerve disease? That can’t be good for business. Whats their slogan: “Canada: We really don’t think its airborne.”

I rarely come on here and plug upcoming shows, but this Thursday is going to be a really great show and if you are in the New York area, you should definitely mull over the idea of coming out.

The show is featuring myself along with buds Ray DeVito, Ryan Hamilton, Paul Oddo and a bunch of other funny people and it is the best deal in town. Only $3 (and NO MINIMUM!) for a fantastic night of really fun professional stand up comedy.

To find out more or to buy advanced tickets online, go here ComixNY.com

Hope to see you there!

-A.C

A lot of people (i.e. no one) have been asking me to list off what my favorite podcasts are. Sure thing, me!

Note: all shows are available for download at the iTunes store. 

1.) Comedy & Everything Else - My favorite podcast. Comes out once a week (usually) and is hosted by comedians Jimmy Dore and Stefane Zamorano. Since splitting with old co-host Todd Glass, the show has become much less silly and has taken a much more political tone, as is Jimmy’s strength, but when it stays to its original core of discussing comedy in comedical ways is when I feel that it really succeeds. Strong viewpoints and interest-generating discussion flow effortlessly into relationship talk and solid well-crafted jokes. Great guests ranging from Brian Regan to Norm McDonald to Doug Benson and Paul F. Tompkins make this show a must listen for humor fans. Cost: FREE! (although I do choose to pay a monthly recurring donation, as should you!)

***

2.) The Adam Carolla Podcast - my morning staple. After getting the boot from his nationally syndicated radio show, Adam Carolla took to the podcast-waves and has created an entire digital network of shows. The first podcast I ever had listened to was his first morning on the podcast. Comes out daily, M-F. Very entertaining, great interviews, lots of fun. Interest in Adam’s guests has waned as the shows second season has begun, you can’t fault Adam for consistently putting out a solid hour of free content everyday. Highly recommended. Cost: FREE!

***

3.) Jordan, Jesse, Go! - A show that I found very recently, but I have already found myself loving very much. Two old college buddies reunite on this weekly laugh-riot where no topic is too silly or risque to be broached. A very fun listen, Jesse Thorn features one of the most soothing voices in radio, digital or otherwise. Featuring top tier guests and fun games, this podcast manages to suck you in and not make you feel guilty about wasting a day, wandering around town listening to your iPod instead of, you know doing something constructive. Cost: FREE!

***

4.) In The Tank w/ Jon Fisch - A great podcast made about comedy, by comedians. Jon Fisch, Dan Allen and Dan Shaki, along with their weekly high quality guest, create a inside look into the life of a trio of New York City comedians. As hilarious as it is informational, this weekly show is a must-listen if you are a comedian or interested in getting into stand up comedy. Most comedy podcasts are based in LA, so to have a quality show based back east, really captures this New Yorkers interest. Give it a go! Cost: FREE!

***

5.) Doug Benson’s I Love Movies - One of the longest running podcasts around, every week comedian Doug Benson hosts a live podcast taped (usually) from the UCB Theater in Los Angeles. Much as the title would imply, the show discusses movies in a comical fashion. With weekly actors and comedians as guests to help keep the conversation going, Doug hosts games, gives out prizes and in short, sounds like he is having a great time producing with weekly show. Promises for the 2010 season include an episode with John Lithgow as a guest! Cost: Free!

***

Honorable Mentions:  The Nerdist Podcast, The B.S. Report with Bill Simmons, Bill Burr’s Monday Morning Podcast, Never Not Funny, Marc Maron’s WTF

Soooooooo, if you love me and you enjoy listening to things that are of high quality, go over to the iTunes Store and download them all, NOW!

-Adam

That’s like being on a date and being told you are getting taken to an Italian restaurant…and then pulling up to Papa Johns.

I hope I don’t get audited. Getting audited is pretty much the government saying “Hahaha…there is no WAY you could be doing THIS bad,” and you having to prove to them “Yes…yes I am doing this completely dreadfully.” It’s quite embarrassing. It’s the only time when the government comes in and tries to cheer you up and be encouraging, but you are forced to fight it, until penalty of law. It doesn’t seem right.

They really rub it in your face too.

“But Mr. Cozens…you graduated from prestigious private four year university…you’ve handled 6-figure accounts from multi-million dollar corporations as a publicist…you are two-time published author and national award winning radio host…how are earth did you accumulate $325 this last year?” I followed my dreams, America. Following my dreams.