Daily Jokes for January 23rd!
By adam.cozens | January 23, 2012
- Last night in football, The New York Giants defeated the San Francisco 49ers and the Baltimore Ravens were defeated by the New England Patriots. But the nights REAL winner was Mamma Harbaugh who now gets to spend the next two weeks with BOTH of her sons!
- It was confirmed yesterday morning that legendary Penn St. football coach Joe Paterno had passed away at the age of 85. Darn, so close to the series premiere of ‘Touch’
- The European Union voted this morning to impose new sanctions on Iran. The first of which included: stop wearing so much ugly jewelry.
- Budweiser, Stella Artois and Becks are all planning to lower their alcohol levels.Distressing news to both the date-rapey frat boy population as well as the taste-distorted war veteran crowd who drinks such swill.
- Gabrielle Giffords announced yesterday that she will resign from congress. She said the congress’s job has always been to pave the WAY for powerful people to get assassinated, not get assassinated themselves.
- The hacker group Anonymous took CBS.com completely offline Sunday. Most CBS viewers weren’t affected because their grown children hadn’t come over to sign them online yet.
- New York & New England to meet in Super Bowl. Mayors of NY & Boston make traditional bet: slice of pizza vs. intolerance of black people.
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Daily Jokes for January 22nd!
By adam.cozens | January 22, 2012
Hey gang!
This ended up being a really busy week and I wasn’t able to sit down and crank these jokes out this week. So today, Saturday, I am going to do a post for the last few days. Lets see how it goes. Amazing? Doubtful. Poorly? Most likely.
- Elizabeth Smart got engaged this last week! Finally, its HER turn to torture and yield power over someone against his will.
- Heidi Klum and Seal have filed for divorce. One of them will have an easier time finding love again.
- Joe Paterno passed away this morning after a long & private battle with lung cancer. That guy really was into keeping things secret.
- A report says OJ Simpson fathered Khloe Kardashian. That would explain her height, complexion and ability to run over defensive linemen.
- Mere days after show booker Eddie Brill was fired for not putting enough women on the show, New York based comedian Jon Fisch made his debut on CBS’ “Late Show with David Letterman.” Glad to see they got right to work on booking more women.
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Daily Jokes for January 18th!
By adam.cozens | January 18, 2012
- Mark Wahlberg was quoted today in Men’s Health magazine saying that if he were on one of the 9/11 planes, he would have killed the terrorists, landed the plane safely and made them feel, feel, feel the vibration.
- Many influential websites, including Wikipedia are blacked out today in protest of the controversial SOPA bill. If Wikipedia stays blacked out, American’s will be forced to go back to watching TV to learn news incorrectly.
- A severed head was found in the hills by the Hollywood sign today. Investigators say they the victim must’ve been QUITE the butterface.
- A bar in Florida has agreed to hire famous baby-murderer Casey Anthony. The bar says they have no concerns about Anthony’s ability to do her job, but would appreciate her to take down her babysitting fliers.
- The wife of an astronaut is in jail tonight after killing her husbands mistress. The embarrassed husband, said “she took one small step for her man, one giant leap, for letting her man off for good.”
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Check out my buddy Andy Pitz’ AMAZING Rodney Dangerfield impression
By adam.cozens | January 16, 2012
Good gosh.
My buddy Andy Pitz is an amazing comic. Great jokes, amazing delivery style. But he also has another talent: the world’s greatest Rodney Dangerfield impression.
Check it out and share it with your friends.
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Daily Jokes for January 13th!
By adam.cozens | January 14, 2012
I’m getting to old for this sh*t.
- Tomorrow, Tim Tebow and the Bronco’s are going to see if they can keep their magical playoff run alive against the New England Patriots. If they win tomorrow, Tebow promises to turn the Gatorade bath, into wine.
- Joran Van Der Sloot, was sentenced to 28 years in a Peruvian prison yesterday. That’s one year for every person he has probably killed.
- This morning, a cruise ship in Italy ran aground, killing 3. Sadly, no comedians were harmed.
- This Sunday, Fox unveils their new Animation Domination line-up. Finally Fox has made that Napoleon Dynamite cartoon we were all clamoring for…
(Sorry, this was supposed to be posted yesterday. Delayed. You must be in misery. To make up for it, I wrote some new stuff today as well. Double hitter!)
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Daily Jokes for January 12th!
By adam.cozens | January 12, 2012
NOOOO! Not more of this nonsense!!!
- An Alabama judge signed an order Thursday declaring Natalee Holloway legally dead…and totally hot.
- Last night, an enraged Nancy Grace cut off the mic of one of convicted murderer Joran Van der Sloot’s friends. She called him “a fool” and wouldn’t let him be insensitive to victims, before she went back to building a career, making money off of victims.
- Video came out this week of American soldiers peeing of dead Afgan bodies. Nice to see that Calvin has grown up & something with his life.
- Home Depot has declared they will hire 70,000 new employees this year. That is a lot of Olympic athletes.
- A landlord in Georgia is disputing that she violated the law by posting a “white’s only” sign outside her swimming pool. She has agreed to edit the sign “Asians are fine too.”
- A judge has blocked the pardoned release of over 600 criminals by outgoing Mississippi Governor Hayley Barbour. Looks like SOMEONE isn’t getting the “family and friends of convicted felons” vote.
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Daily Jokes for January 11th!
By adam.cozens | January 11, 2012
Greetings from Oklahoma! I’m on the road again this week, performing tonight through Sunday at the Loony Bin in Oklahoma City. Come on out and watch me drink for half-price! I’ll make some poster and put it on here for this weekends shows. But until then: DAILY JOKES! - Afternoon Edition.
- The popular snack food brand Twinkie has declared bankruptcy. They had a pretty good 2011, but couldn’t managed to stay out of the yellow.
- This afternoon, Joran van der Sloot pled guilty to the murder of a girl in Peru. Shame, he seemed like such a good guy.
- A report was released that Casey Anthony said that her deceased daughter Caylee was possibly conceived as the product of date rape. That girl might have grown up to be President!
- An XBOX plant in China is facing reports that employees have threatened a mass suicide over labor issues. Because thats how you show them you want a higher quality of life: ending your life.
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Daily Jokes for January 10th!
By adam.cozens | January 10, 2012
Let’s (kinda) do this!
- Last night, the Alabama Crimson Tide defeated Louisiana State in the “Thank Goodness I’m Good at Sports! I’m So Excited To Get The Chance To Earn A Degree!” Bowl.
- Thank goodness for college football. Where else could you see 50,000 Alabamans yelling “RUN BOY!” at a black 19 year-old & find it acceptable?
- Republican Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum has been having to handle questions in New Hampshire this week aimed at his stance on gay marriage. He even came up with a clever new catchphrase. “What two people do in the privacy of their own home, is no one’s business but my own.”
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Daily Jokes for January 9th!
By adam.cozens | January 9, 2012
- A Papa Johns employee in New York City was fired for writing “lady chinky eyes” on the receipt of an Asian customer. On behalf of everyone here, I hope that Don Imus gets back on his feet soon.
- Papa John’s has apologized to the lady for the “lady chinky eyes” slur, to which my grandma agreed, “Goodness, they’re called Orientals, fercryingoutloud.”
- Tim Tebow’s Denver Bronco’s defeated Ben Roethlisberger and his Steeler’s in last night’s first annual “Sinners vs. Saints” bowl. Now he just needs to withstand a 40 nights in the desert, and his work here is done.
- A 30 year old man in Madison, WI named Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop was arrested on drug possession charges. Yeah, and you thought black people gave their kids weird names.
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Daily Jokes for January 6th!
By adam.cozens | January 6, 2012
- Republican hopeful Rick Santorum was boo’ed at a New Hampshire college for comparing gay marriage to polygamy. The biggest difference between the two: one is MUCH more fun.
- Casey Anthony released her first video diary to YouTube. Not to be outdone, Amanda Knox joined LinkedIn.
- Joran Van der Sloot has plead guilty to the death of a Peruvian woman. Still no apologies for having a very difficult to spell name.
- According to reports, 200,000 jobs were added in December. Makes sense. Hey, those homes aren’t going to evict themselves!
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Daily Jokes for January 5th!
By adam.cozens | January 5, 2012
- After she was destroyed by her competition on Tuesday, Michelle Bachmann suspended her race for the candidacy. During her concession speech, Michelle Bachmann said ’she never has been a politician and never will be.’ So at least we agree on one thing.
- Only 5.4% of voters turned out for Tuesday’s GOP Caucus. Much of the low turnout was attributed to the Republicans of Iowa attempting to re-use the January page of their 2011 calenders.
- The Georgia Department of Health is under fire for a series of no-nonsense ads aimed at teach about childhood obesity. While they have received many phone calls and emails, no one actually physically walked in to complain.
- Washington State Governor Christine Gregoire is backing a bill legalizing gay marriage in her state. She hopes that this new law will bring more gays to Washington, and then she can finally get rid of this awful hairdo.
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Daily Jokes for January 4th!
By adam.cozens | January 4, 2012
- Rick Santorum came in a close second last night to Mitt Romney in the Iowa GOP Caucus. Perhaps more interesting, the entire Iowa Republican voting line with featured on “What Not To Wear.”
- It’s 13 degrees in New York City today. Its one of those kind of days that you wish you had a dead infant to snuggle up with.
- Yahoo has appointed Scott Thompson as their new CEO; The Chicken Lady as Senior V.P.
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Daily Jokes for January 3rd!
By adam.cozens | January 3, 2012
- With only one day left until the Iowa Republican caucuses, the GOP has been split 3 ways. Usually the only thing Republican politicians split 3 ways, are their wives.
- Rapper Cee-Lo is in trouble after changing the word’s to John Lennon’s “Imagine” during a live New Year’s Eve performance. The public had become to expect so much more from the singer who penned “F*ck You”
- CNN.com has a cover story calling Beyonce “enormously pregnant.” Apparently CNN stands for Catty News Network.
- President Barack Obama has returned from his Hawaiian vacation. Or as Newt Gingrich called it “covert missions abroad.”
- Doctors are saying that a Spinal tap may prevent Alzheimer’s; go to 11.
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Daily Jokes for January 2nd!
By adam.cozens | January 2, 2012
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! I really loved 2011. It brought me some mild to moderate success, I have enjoyed so many of the people I have met and become friendly with and I feel like my mind has been opened in new, unique and exciting ways. I look forward to what this, new “Twenty Twelve” has to offer me. Because its all about ME!!!
- This last weekend, President Obama signed a controversial bill that gives the government permission to hold U.S. citizens indefinitely, without trial in military court. It’s Obama’s way of welcoming back all soldiers from Iraq, by making them feel like they still are in Iraq.
- The Iowa primary is mere hours away. Its a neck-and-neck race between Perry, Santorum and Romney, perhaps better known as Larry, Curly and Mo(rmon).
- The Lottery commission announced they are raising the price of Powerball tickets from $1 to $2. It will now cause twice as much to have your dreams crushed on a weekly basis.
- A man has been detained for questioning in connection to an arson spree around Los Angeles this weekend. It was hard to pick him out, as he wasn’t the only flamer in West Hollywood.
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Daily Jokes for December 30th!
By adam.cozens | December 30, 2011
PARTY ON!
- 300,000 teddy bears were recalled earlier this week, forcing hundreds of thousands of parents to pull away newly given Christmas gift teddy bears from their young children. Its been called “Operation: Worst Christmas Ever.”
- Rumors of iPad 3 are beginning to heat up, almost as much as it will inevitably uncomfortably heat up your lap.
- Russell Brand has filed for divorce from pop singer Katy Perry. Word is he finally heard lyrics to Last Friday Night, and was none to pleased with her behavior.
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