I’m moving to Los Angeles!
By adam.cozens | May 22, 2012
HEY! So here’s the story knuckleheads - I’m moving to L.A.! I know! Things have just been going sooooo good, I thought ‘Heck! Why simply take a minute to enjoy things while they are going well? Time to switch it up!” I’ve known about it for a long time, but decided for whatever reason not to tell you. But it’s happening now. So that’s that.
If you want to catch me doing my last week of shows in New York City, but are too lazy to check out my Tour page, check below for when and where you can find me boppin’ around the Big Apple this week! (more dates to be announced soon)
THE ADAM COZENS “GOODBYE TO NEW YORK!” TOUR
T – May 22 – Distilled Comedy – Velour Lounge – 8:00pm
T - May 22 - SAGE Stand Up - Bar 82 - 9:00pm
W - May 23 – Bad Romance – Bedlam – 8:00pm
R – May 24 – The Emily Show – The Cove (Williamsburg) – 8:00pm
R – May 24 – Get a Room – Hotel Chantelle - 8:30pm
R – May 24 – Comics Anonymous - Ryan’s Daughter – 10:00pm
M – May 28 – Charles Gould’s Show – Parkside Lounge – 8:00pm
M – May 28 – NYC Broken Comedy – Matchless Bar (Greenpoint) – 9:00pm
T – May 29 – Gary Vider’s Show – The Irish Exit – 8:00pm
Topics: Comedy, Los Angeles, New York, The Man | No Comments »
Fun New Pictures of ME!
By adam.cozens | May 15, 2012
Photo credit: Mindy Tucker, 2012
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Joe Machi this Wednesday on Jimmy Fallon!
By adam.cozens | May 14, 2012
One of my closest friends and one of the best comedians I know out there today, Joe Machi will be making his network television debut on NBC’s “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” this Wednesday night. I’ve helped him move!
Joe is a great comedian and in this business where everyone is so competitive and cut-throat, I can truthfully say that I feel nothing but love and excitement for Joe. Watch a clip of Machi performing stand up below.
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Daily Jokes for May 14th!
By adam.cozens | May 14, 2012
YO! Here we go, friendly friends!
- President Obama came out last Wednesday in support of gay marriage. Not only did Obama pledge his support for gay marriage, but he also called anyone who doesn’t support it “old and stupid.”
- The ladies on The View were talking this morning about what they did for Mother’s Day. #1 answer: pee standing up.
- From the fashionista’s at Newsweek, Gay is the new black.
- Mitt Romney is shying away from reports that in high school he pinned down a gay child and cut his “effeminate hair.” Mitt says he can’t remember the incident in question, as he has been do busy for the last 30 years laying off disabled people.
- A week after it was discovered that Apple’s SIRI program answered that a Windows phone was the best available smart phone, Apple has corrected the “glitch.” Now when you search for “what is the best smart phone?” SIRI will display a starving child in Africa.
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R.I.P. Adam “MCA” Yauch
By adam.cozens | May 4, 2012
There will be no Daily Jokes entry for today. I had set aside two hours today to post a large, hopefully high-quality entry of my daily monologue jokes. But then I got the news of the tragic passing of Adam “MCA” Yauch. The Beastie Boys have been one of my biggest and most important influences since getting into comedy and entertainment. In high school I would take my paper route money to Easy Street Records in West Seattle and buy each and every CD until I was caught up on their entire catalog. Before I knew what it meant, by computer’s log-in password was “Beastiality” because I thought it sounded cool and associated me with the band. Adam’s passing, and subsequent breaking up of the band is the end of an era in music as well as popular culture. Yauch will be missed.
Topics: Music, New York, Seattle, The Man | No Comments »
Daily Jokes for May 3rd!
By adam.cozens | May 3, 2012
- Newt Gingrich has finally ended his campaign for the Republican nomination. We now know who won the epic battle in the SciFi Channel original film “Mitt Vs. Newt”
- A San Diego man has filed a $20 million lawsuit against the DEA for leaving him locked in a cell for 4 days without food, water or a toilet. The suit contains that the man was forced to drink his own urine, sleep handcuffed on the floor and may never get fully caught up on this season of “Mad Men.”
- NFL great Junior Seau passed away yesterday at the age of 42. He’s survived by an ex-wife, two children and countless Twitter jokes about his name.
- Documents recovered in the raid that killed Osama bin Laden have been released. A lot more RiteAid coupon then you would have thought.
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Daily Jokes for May 2nd!
By adam.cozens | May 2, 2012
- May Day protests in Seattle turned ugly yesterday when a group of anarchists assimilated and wreaked havoc. Seattle politicians says it was the worst disaster since Starbucks introduced the Blonde Roast.
- On Dr. Drew last night, porn star Alana Davis said turning to life in the adult industry saved her life. And prevented the start of many others.
- President Barack Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan this morning. That guy REALLY doesn’t want to acknowledge Occupy Wall Street.
- Presumptive Republican nominee Mitt Romney has yet to announce a running-mate, but if Romney’s history is any indication, he will be pretty boring.
- An alleged plot to blow up a bridge in Cleveland was foiled this week. The group of anarchists are claiming ‘not guilty’ saying they didn’t intend to cause any harm, they just finally wanted something interesting to happen in Cleveland.
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Daily Jokes for May 1st!
By adam.cozens | May 1, 2012
- After his team’s Game 2 loss in the NBS Playoffs, New York Knicks forward Amar’e Stoudamire suffered multiple deep lacerations on his hand after he punched through the glass surrounding a fire extinguisher. Some guys will do almost anything to make people forget about a bad game.
- This month is the 20 year anniversary of the Rodney King beating. Man, watching that video really makes you think …we have come a LONG way in the field of home video equipment!
- Today is May Day, the day where the people at Occupy WallStreet ask you not to work, go to school or shop. I wish they had added “or annoyingly Tweet” to that list.
- Facebook has created a tab that allows you to add your Organ Donor status to your page. The intend this new feature to encourage more users to get peer pressured into signing up and to finally get rid of all the Jehovah’s Witnesses hanging around their website.
- A British Newspaper has blasted Rubert Murdoch claiming the 81-year is ‘not fit’ to run NewsCorp. Murdoch denied the claim, which can be observed at length, on one of Milly Dowler’s old voicemail tapes.
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Daily Jokes for April 30th!
By adam.cozens | April 30, 2012
- Over the weekend, Jimmy Kimmel served as the comedian at the White House Correspondents Dinner. It was great to see the sidekick from Win Ben Stein’s Money performing in front of all the people who won Ben Stein’s Money.
- An ad highlighting Obama’s being too cool to be President was unveiled today. While the spot does make some good arguments, it misses on the biggest point: not ALL black people are cool.
- Former Italian PM Berlusconi denies dry-humping a female police office in a video that went viral over the weekend. And to prove it, he demonstrated his techniques on 3 prostitutes.
- Microsoft announced today it would be investing $300 million in its “Nook” reader, which competes with the popular Kindle. Microsoft hopes to replicate the success it had with the Zune.
- Reality TV star Snooki was quoted as saying it was “scary” for her to discover that she has the ability to reproduce. For her and us both.
- A dentist in the UK is in jail for pulling out all of her ex-boyfriends teeth when he was under anesthesia. While this seems cruel and unusual,after living his entire life in the UK, he actually walked away with a better smile.
- A man in Sydney fell off a high scaffold during a dance festival. The man lived, but as an unexpected side effect, had to sit through the rest of the Sydney Dance Festival.
- A new app for the iPhone reads the lines of your face to tell you if you are ugly. I miss the old method that let you know if you were ugly: junior high classmates.
- Rose Hughes, who was with Robert F. Kennedy when he was assassinated, claims that there was a 2nd shooter in the kitchen when Kennedy was shot. She claimed he was off to the right, standing next to “the classy bowl.”
- A study revealed that many heavy teens have trouble managing their diabetes. This is all available in their new packet: “Things We All Know.”
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Daily Jokes for April 25th!
By adam.cozens | April 25, 2012
- When questioned about the Secret Service prostitution scandal, Barack Obama said he would be ‘very disappointed’ if he found out. C;mon Barack, you know it ain’t no fun, if the homies can’t have none.
- Newt Gringrich announced today that he will drop out of the race for the Republican nomination on Tuesday. Translation: only 6 days left to make me feel like I didn’t waste my life savings!
- President Barack Obama appeared on NBC’s “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” last night. Not to be shown up, Mitt Romney will be appearing tomorrow on Tom Snyder.
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Daily Jokes for April 19th!
By adam.cozens | April 19, 2012
- Television legend Dick Clark passed away at the age of 82. With Clark’s passing, he will finally be reunited with his longtime friend, Lewis.
- Anders Behring Breivik, who admits to killing 77 people in Norway last summer, says he trained using video games. I told you that Angry Birds was dangerous!
- Rapper Mystikal is heading to jail. He indeed will be shaking it fast. I hope that he watches himself.
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Daily Jokes for April 18th!
By adam.cozens | April 18, 2012
- A report came out today that American troops posed with body parts of dead Afghan insurgents. You know, I’m starting to think not everything is going as smoothly as we’d like over there.
- Royal sister Pippa Middleton is facing jail-time after her friend was caught pointing a gun at a photographer. Prince William and his wife Kate are a mess over the whole ordeal while Harry takes another drag off his Winston-Salem and says: “Ehh…thats nuthin”
- The temperature reached 90 degrees in New York City on Monday. The weather was so bad, people actually bought tickets to Mets games - just for the shade!
- Ted Nugent’s comments on a radio show have drawn Secret Service attention. Must have said that he had 2-for-1 coupons to the Bunny Ranch.
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Daily Jokes for April 16th!
By adam.cozens | April 16, 2012
- A hologram of the late rapper 2Pac performed at Coachella last night. After the hologram was put away, Suge Knight released 3 newly discovered recordings.
- Thieves in Culver City, CA made off with five of Tom Petty’s guitars. Petty hopes that by the time they are returned, he will finally know how to play them.
- Recently signed New York Jets quarterback Tim Tebow was booed at a Yankees game yesterday. As he walked away from the stadium, he told his wife not to look back, as the Lord burnt the Bronx to the ground.
- North Carolina Democratic Party Director Jay Parmley Resigns Amidst Allegations that he looks too much like Tom Hanks.
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Daily Jokes for April 13th!
By adam.cozens | April 13, 2012
- After 9 years of dating, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have announced their engagement! They must be getting pretty excited to finally have sex.
- Yesterday Newark, NJ mayor Cory Booker rescued a family trapped inside a burning apartment building. He claimed he was no hero when he ran into the blaze, he was simply looking for the fastest way out of Newark.
- North Korea unsuccessfully attempted to launch a missile into orbit yesterday. As it turns out, you can’t fuel a rocket purely with sadness.
- The Major League Baseball season is now underway. The front-runners include the Mets, Diamondbacks and Dodgers, while for the 85th year in a row, the losers are the fans.
- Charges of 2nd Degree murder are being processed for George Zimmerman. For those keeping score, that’s one degree for every convenience store item that Zimmerman claimed to be a gun.
- Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino was fired after he was caught having an affair with a female assistant. The university banned him from furthur coaching the team but is allowing him to help players with their OKCupid profiles.
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Tonight! Gotham! 2 Shows!
By adam.cozens | April 13, 2012
Topics: Comedy, The Man | No Comments »