By adam.cozens | March 26, 2013
This April 18-21st, I will performing alongside some of my favorite comedians in the country at the 6th Annual Bridgetown Comedy Festival in Portland, OR! I am delighted to be invited to perform at this grteat festival and to perform in Oregon for the first time. Also scheduled appear at Bridgetown: Dana Gould! Todd Glass! Greg Behrendt! Reggie Watts! Howard Kremer! Myq Kaplan! Nick Thune! Blaine Capatch! and more! Check out the full line-up (including me) here!
By adam.cozens | March 12, 2013
Soooooooooo this website sucks. Its not the worst thing on earth but it’s a pain in the butt to update. So while I am still going keep page up, it’ll primarily be an archive of terrible jokes gone by.
For all relevant information and tour dates, keep an eye on http://adamcozenscomedy.tumblr.com
Its not perfect, but its surely better than anything happening over here.
By adam.cozens | February 13, 2013
Week of February 3rd-9th “Best” of:
- 79 pounds of cocaine was found mixed in with a shipment of bananas in Belgium. Michelle Obama is trying anything to get people to eat healthier.
- During the 3rd Quarter of last Sunday’s Super Bowl, there was a 39 minute power outage stopping play. It was the longest time viewers had to stare at a blackout since James Franco hosted the Oscars.
- A Blizzard Warning is in effect for the entire NorthEast. It’s the largest Blizzard warning in Jersey since Chris Christie first discovered Dairy Queen.
- The USPS says that they will soon be ending mail deliveries on Saturday. I don’t know how I am going to be able to transition from getting nothing in the mail on Saturdays, to getting nothing in the mail on Saturdays.
- Warren Buffett may have lost over $300 million earlier this week. That guy really needs to get those jeans fixed.
- The unemployment rate for Millenials is 5% higher than the national average. Turns out the demand for t-shirt designing, pro skater DJ’s was lower than we once thought.
- The Ku Klux Klan has pledged a massive rally over the renaming of three confederate-themed parks in Memphis. The Klan has always been most beloved when mass assembled.
- Following his announcement that he wouldn’t be running for the open Massachusetts Senate seat, Scott Brown has been in discussions to join Fox News. Good, they could use a conservative perspective over there.
- Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler proposed to actress Kirsten Cavalleri today via text message. Cavalleri accepted the proposal but noted “usage rates may apply.”
- Last Thursday was the series finale of NBC’s beloved-niche sitcom 30 Rock. In keeping with tradition, it was fantastic and nobody watched it.
- This last Saturday was Groundhog’s Day and Punxatonny Phil saw his shadow, promising six more weeks of Winter. See, I told you this whole Global Warming thing was just a myth.
By adam.cozens | January 30, 2013
- A comedy club in Northern California was gutted by a 5-alarm fire Friday night. The scheduled performer all weekend was Dustin Diamond, so I guess you could say the crowds got let off easy.
- Dr. Phil has announced that he will interview the man who conned Notre Dame linebacker Monti Te’o. Its going to be really ironic if that guy ends up dying of Leukemia.
- North Korea says it plans to carry out a new nuclear test and more long-range rocket launches, as part of a new phase of confrontation with the U.S. as soon as they can figure out which direction west is.
- Its being accused that Beyonce sipsank at the Presidential Inauguration. In her defense, I don’t think any of us were really ready for her jelly.
- YouTube has vowed that by next year no comments will be allowed from Anonymous users. Man, I can’t wait to find out which of my friends are racist.
- In the CW’s new show “The Carrie Diaries” they have chosen to take out the Twin Towers from the 1980’s New York City Skyline. Sadly, the Twin Towers being showed would have been the least depressing part of The Carrie Diaries.
- Coachella released their 2013 lineup Thursday. Many fans are upset that The Rolling Stones won’t be performing, but not as upset as they would be if they had paid $350 to see The Rolling Stones.
- The official sale of the Sacramento Kings was announced last Monday to a Seattle-based investment group with plans to move the team. Less than 4 hours after the decision, the new Sonics had already drafted four centers.
- During his speech at the Inauguration, President Obama became the first President to reference gay people in his inaugural address. What’s next? Is the next President going to reference ANIMALS in his address?
By adam.cozens | January 26, 2013
By adam.cozens | January 21, 2013
- Last Thursday the Pasadena Rose Parade committee unveiled their 2014 Parade theme. And for the 125th year in a row, the theme will be “Wasted Funds”
- Its being reported that Notre Dame football star Mante Ta’o fabricated the death of a fake girlfriend to get attention. Notre Dame teammates suspected that Manti Teo’s online girlfriend might have been fake when his pre-game speech included “Let’s go out there and win one for the GIF’er”
- On Oprah’s show last Friday, Lance Armstrong finally admitted to using performance enhancing drugs. I hope this Lance Armstrong controversy doesn’t cause people to stop using the U.S. Postal Service.
- Kris Cross has announced that they will reunite at a concert in February. They are certainly going to have some thoughts on how stupid kids these days dress.
- Last Sunday at the Golden Globe awards, Jodie Foster accepted the Cecille B. Demille award and reminded viewers how truly great silent films really were.
- President Obama has asked House Republicans to raise the debt ceiling. Leave it to our first black President to ask Congress to “Raise The Roof”
- Former President George H.W. Bush was released from the hospital today after a two-month battle with Bronchitis. He plans to return to his beloved past time: creating horrible children.
- Clarence Thomas spoke to the Supreme Court for the first time in seven years last Monday. And despite his invitation to pick up the tab, no one took him up on his offer of “Anybody want a Coke?”
- A school teacher in California was fired after it was discovered she had a past in porn. School officials should have caught on sooner based on her resume experience of naughty nurse, naughty secretary and naughty dental hygienist.
By adam.cozens | January 11, 2013
- Last night, NBC premiered their new show “1600 Penn” as a consolation to those who really hoped to see a white man as President this January.
- The investigation into the death of an Illinois man who won the lottery and died the next day, has been officially declared a homicide. And a great Alanis Morissette lyric.
- Jacksonville Jaguars GM David Caldwell said he “can’t imagine” a scenario where Tim Tebow would play for his team. This came as a shock to thousands of Jacksonville residents to find out they had a football team.
- Virginia residents police earlier this week reporting that a small lion was running loose in their neighborhood. It later turned out to only be their neighbor’s Labradoodle. Either way, they said, it was delicious.
- This afternoon was the 12,000th episode of “Days of Our Lives.” And you guys thought it took a long time to catch up on Mad Men.
- Burger King has agreed to pay $2.5 million in a class-action sexual harassment lawsuit. Ads like this didn’t help the defense -
- Some in Congress are arguing that in order to avoid economic disaster, the government should simply “just mint a $1 Trillion coin.” Those people are also known as the occupants of my sister’s 2nd grade class.
- Hospitals in Baltimore are so overloaded with people suffering from the flu, some that have set up tents outside for waiting patients. This is in stark contrast to the never tent-adorned streets of downtown Baltimore.
- Conservative blogger Alex Jones has threatened that if our guns are taken away, America will return to 1776. I’m confused, I thought that is what Republicans wanted?
- The National Security Administration is asking Hybrid car makers to make their cars noisier. The bill is co-sponsored by the Teenage Boy Drivers Association of America.
- On Monday, the University of Alabama defeated the Notre Dame Fighting Irish 42 to 15. Evidently it has taken some Irish longer to recover from that potato famine than others.
- Scientists are reporting that 2012 was the Hottest Year Ever. Finally, something that the cover of Maxim magazine got right.
- Secretary of State Hillary Clinton returned to work Monday & was jokingly given a football helmet by her staffers. The gift will pair great with the ball gag Bill gave her for their last anniversary.
By adam.cozens | January 8, 2013
Hey guys -
Quick scheduling news, starting today, Daily Jokes will become Weekly Jokes and will be posted only on Fridays. I will still be writing 5-10 jokes everyday about the news and topical nonsense, but I will be doing so offline and online posting on Friday the 10 or so “best” (used loosely) of the week. I am doing this in an effort to appear less awful at writing monologue jokes, which is an image I fear I have been letting off, posting my batch of jokes everyday, no matter the quality. Hopefully this weekly greatest hits will offer a more impressive sampling or whatever no one is really out there reading this message anyway.
See you soon!
By adam.cozens | January 7, 2013
- A new season of “The Bachelor” kicks off later this week. Producers have leaked that by the end of the season, everyone gets HPV.
- Tonight two of the most storied franchises in college football meet for the national championship when #1 Notre Dame takes on #2 Alabama. Win or lose, the kids ought to be pretty excited about their Championship game bonuses.
- On Monday morning President Obama nominated former Senator Chuck Hagel as Secretary of Defense and reminded everyone us all many times how he captured and killed Bin Laden.
- President Obama uncharacteristically nominated a Republican for the job of Defense Secretary today under his “we’re not a nation of Republicans and Democrats, we’re a nation of people” platform. A platform that unsurprisingly, Republicans don’t 100% agree with. Great call.
- This morning President Obama’s press conference about how he captured and killed Bin Laden just interrupted by a nomination of Chuck Hagel.
- Secretary of State Hillary Clinton returned to work this morning and was given a helmet by her staffers. The gift is reminiscent of the helmet Bill gave her on their honeymoon.
more to come later…
By adam.cozens | January 5, 2013
- George Lucas became engaged to his longtime girlfriend yesterday. People say the cost of planning a wedding is expensive, but no one told me it was “selling LucasFilms to Disney” expensive.
- U.S. troops are being sent to Turkey to protect their citizens from Syria. The Kurdish people are not amused.
- Original American Idol Kelly Clarkson is responding to rumors that she is a lesbian. She said, “no, I’m just angry.”
- To start off the fourth hour of The Today Show, Hoda Kotb and Meredith Viera asked why, with all she knows about the music industry, would go on a reality show? I have a pretty good idea.
- A group of high school football players in Stuebenville, Ohio are under fire for admitting to raping a girl on a YouTube video that was unearthed by hacker group Anonymous. While these boys may ultimately be never brought to justice, at least their names will be forever linked to scum.
- A group of small-town Ohio football players are being accused of gang-raping their classmate at a party. Their defense lawyer plans to open with: “C’mon…who among us hasn’t dragged a defenseless 16 year old from home to home urinating and digitally-penetrating her?”
- A pilot in Minnesota was pulled out of the cockpit after being deemed “too drunk too fly,” which is only slightly more intoxicated than most active Congressmen.
By adam.cozens | January 4, 2013
- Today, a record number of new U.S. woman senators were sworn into public office. Shortly thereafter they held an all-woman quorum which lasted about 6 minutes they all became synced up.
- A record number of new women were sworn into the Senate today. In related news, AAA memberships in the area surrounding the Capital Building have sky-rocketed.
- The first Senate meeting of the new class, which featured a record number of women, was supposed to be held today, but was delayed nearly three hours due to an unbeatable sale at Mervyns.
- Host of the 4th hour of The Today Show Hoda Kotb has been accused of using a profanity live on air. Kotb has responded to the allegation saying, “I do lots of crazy stuff when I’m drunk.”
- House Speaker John Boehner became choked up while being re-sworn in today. It was the most a Republican has choked since November 6th.
- After the death of a paparazzi photographer, Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus have called for change. Change which TMZ will be recovering next!
- Longtime football player Ray Lewis has retired. From the game of football that is. He has still kept the door open on a returning to murdering strangers however.
By adam.cozens | January 2, 2013
- Resigning Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has confirmed that she has one blood clot in her brain. Republican’s are already asking for a re-count.
- New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has lambasted House Majority Leader John Boehner for sending Congress home before voting on Sandy Relief. Its all part of his “don’t nominate me for President in 2016″ campaign.
- There is a new gym in LA that only admits fat people. I think its called “24 Hour Fitness.”
- A new survey has found that when people’s prescription medication looks different, they are less likely to continue taking them. What are these people, crazy?!?
- The son of Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling has been found dead. He must’ve bet on the over.
- A paparazzi photographer was killed after being struck by a car trying to capture of a shot of Justin Bieber’s car. At least he died doing what he loved: invading stranger’s privacy.
- An 18-year old in South America is auctioning off her virginity on YouTube. The early offers have been low, but at least the comments have been racist!
By adam.cozens | December 19, 2012
- Following last week’s tragedy at Sandy Hook, Kei$ha’s song “Die Young” has been pulled from radio rotation. So at least something positive came out of this.
- The holidays are fast upon us and according to many market insiders more people will spend the next five days shopping than with their families. Sounds like Christmas in America.
- For those who weren’t aware, the world is supposed to be ending on Friday. Only a few more days to make a mistake you’ll regret from decades to come.
- TIME magazine has named President Obama as their Person of the Year. They also named former Republican nominee Mitt Romney Thing of the Year.
- CNN interviewed Gloria Estefan about “what makes a hero?” She answered “integrity, knowing right from wrong and stopping the rhythm that’s coming to get us.”
- A video showing a Golden Eagle attempting to pick up and fly away with a toddler is circulating on the internet. Its the planned opening sequence for The Jungle Book 2.
By adam.cozens | December 18, 2012
- Members of Westboro Baptist Church have been targeted by the hacker group Anonymous. Church members are going to be really upset about this, once they get their internet hooked up.
- The National Rifle Association ended its media blackout today and reappeared on Facebook. Probably shouldn’t have opened up with “So whats new with you guys?”
- This week President Obama received his highest approval rating since the Bin Laden killing. He was overheard saying “Man, school shootings are my THING!”
- An independent inquiry into the attack on the U.S. Consulate in Libya cites “management deficiencies” at high levels of the State Department. That must be the new, politically correct way of saying:”they let people die.”
- Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg donated $500 million today. Because if social networking has taught us anything, its that the money train NEVER ends.
- According to scientists, there may be another Earth populated by super-advanced beings right beyond our solar system. Republicans are already looking for way to kill them.
- Christmas is now one week away, leaving only 6 shopping days left to disappoint your loved ones.
- San Antonio’s Tim Duncan became the 26th player in NBA history to score 23,000 points. He also is the most boring.
- A gender-neutral Easy Bake Oven is being created. Hasbro is currently marketing the product as “The Future Divorce’ Dad Playset”
- A survey from The Daily Mail found that many women care more about their hair than they do their bodies. Likewise, most men care more about women’s bodies, than anything else on earth.
By adam.cozens | December 17, 2012
Hi Uncle Doug!
- Weeks after General Petraeus resigned days before taking the stand, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton collapsed and received a concussion last week, causing her to miss her scheduled testimony. Man, if freak occurrences like these keep happening, people are going to begin to think that they really don’t want to testify.
- A toy that expands when it becomes wet has been recalled. The problem might’ve been in its name, “The Fisher-Price Latina”
- Barbara Walters has named disgraced General David Petraeus her “most fascinating person of the year.” Runner-ups include Justin Bieber, Jeremy Lin and anyone other than Mitt Romney.
- A man charged with hacking into almost 50 celebrity cell phones has been sentenced to 10 years in prison. That’s 8 years more than many pretty white women get for murder.
- A few weeks ago following their purchase of LucasFilms, Disney promised three new Star Wars films. Hopefully in these new films they’ll bring some resolution to that trading embargo storyline.
- Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) said Monday that “every gun control law would be on the table.” Right next to his giant steaming bowl of Mac n Cheese.
- 38 year old Chris Chaney has been sentence to 10 years in prison with hacking and distributing private photos from nearly 50 celebrity cell phones. He was sentenced to 6 months for the Scarlett Johannson nudes and an additional 9 and a half for the Gabourey Sidibe collection.
- Former New York Knicks star Jeremy Lin makes his return to Madison Square Garden after being traded in the off-season. No matter what happens tonight one thing is guaranteed: at least one racist pun on the back-page of the Post tomorrow.
- Days following the tragic school shooting in Newtown, CT, more details of courage continue to emerge. It might be the first time that an article with the headline “teacher locks entire class in bathroom” has been met with comments of admiration.
- The New York Mets have traded reigning National League Cy Young R.A. Dickey to the Toronto Blue Jays. In exchange the Mets recieve yet another losing record and increasingly small fan support. Lucky for them, they are the only professional baseball team in town…